


hands in red paint, let's make a mark

by dialecstatic



Series: you are whatever a moon has always meant [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Families of Choice, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Growing Up, Identity Issues, Nonbinary Character, Questioning, Self-Discovery, Trans Character, chosen names, narrative heavy, no pronouns for renjun, renjun centric kinda, this came out angstier than i expected im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 20:47:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16709764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dialecstatic/pseuds/dialecstatic
Summary: when life give questions, friends have answers. they all find out the easy way.





	hands in red paint, let's make a mark

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone~
> 
> i'm so super happy to be presenting the first part of moonverse, the winter follow-up the sunverse! i hope you all enjoy it!
> 
> i've made a lot of big changes in my life since writing sunverse, and this follow-up is also a result of that. i have no set update schedule as of yet but i'll try to figure one out, but i promise i'll work hard!
> 
> title from 'red paint' by matt & kim

Renjun doesn’t care too much for heartache.

 

Maybe because it’s better to avoid it, Renjun thinks, but mostly because there are so many things to chase after, so many things to discover, that there shouldn’t even be time for something like that.

 

Of course, life doesn’t ever seem to go the way people want it to, and heartache always finds a way.

  
  


It’s a Saturday afternoon, and as usual Kun claps her hand over her head, calls everyone to the center of the room.

 

As usual, Chenle is the first to saunter up to her, sneakers squeaking against the polished wooden floor, a smile on their face as bright as when they first walked in that morning. They take Kun’s arm in their own and she smiles, ruffles their hair as she watches the others come to her. Everyone joins them, joyous chatter filling up the room, and Renjun watches, walks behind as they all gather around Kun.

 

“I know it’s still a few months away,” she says, slinging an arm around Jaemin’s shoulders. “But have you all thought about where you’re going next year?”

 

The question hangs in the air like a hammer ready to drop. Jeno coughs in the back of their throat, Haechan twists their hands together, and Jisung stays silent, eyes timidly roaming over the scene.

 

Renjun takes a step forward. “University. For us, at least.” 

 

Jeno, Haechan and Jaemin all nod in unison, and Chenle clutches Kun’s arm tighter. His hands deep in his pockets, Jisung says nothing still but he lays his head on Jaemin’s shoulder, a silent acknowledgment.

 

“I wanted to ask you,” Jeno turns to Kun. “Does it mean we can’t come back here?” 

 

At that, Kun shakes her head, motions for everyone to gather in closer. Renjun stays at Chenle’s side, tries to read everyone’s faces, but there’s too much doubt and fear for it to be bearable. 

 

“Of course you can. You’ll always be welcome here.” Kun reassures them, her eyes going to each of them in turn, warm and safe. She’ll always be here, Renjun reads it in her gaze, in the way she tilts her head and smiles when they all acknowledge her. “But remember, if you go to university here, I’ll be there. Some of my friends are graduating, but I and a couple others will stay, for another year, even two.” 

 

There’s a slight movement from Jeno, probably wondering if Doyoung is one of those friends.

 

“We have our support group there, and all of you are welcome to join, when the time comes.” Kun continues, squeezing Jaemin’s shoulder when his gaze drops to the floor. “And if life takes us separate ways, if our roads diverge, remember that all of us are just a phone call away.”

 

“Who even calls people on the phone anymore?” Haechan quips, cutting the heavy atmosphere in two. Jeno snorts, Jisung hides his face in his hands, and Haechan just smiles, proudly puffing up their chest at the effect. 

 

Kun reaches over to pinch their cheek, unable to hold back her own smile then. “A text, then. Or a Line message, or whatever it is you kids use these days.”

 

“Better!” Haechan muses, leaning into Kun’s touch. 

 

The clock strikes 5 and Kun takes her arms back, calling everyone to attention once more. “Have a good rest of your weekend! Don’t forget to do your homework, brush your teeth, drink water, and eat your vegetables!” she says to whoever will listen and they all cheer, only half listening, Jeno and Haechan already skipping to the lockers arm in arm to retrieve their bags. 

 

Renjun toes the floor, stays behind for a moment as Jisung, Chenle and Jaemin pass by, almost colliding into each other in a bid for the door, Jaemin jumping on Jisung’s back. It’s only when Jeno turns around to call that Renjun walks over to them, and they all escape through the corridor and out onto the street.

 

“I don’t want to go home right now,” Haechan pouts, tugging at the straps of their backpack. Then an idea seems to pop into their head, metaphorical lightbulb illuminating their face. “Hey. Let’s go to the mall!”

 

Jaemin perks up, and Jisung winces, already fishing for his phone his jacket pocket. There’s a moment of near silence where everyone is waiting, knows their parents will understand but his might not. Their tendency to baby him comes out in spades and now Renjun can see it as they all wait, intent eyes caught on Jisung as he greets his mother over the phone.

 

“Come  _ on _ .” Haechan presses on. “And, I heard they installed a carousel in the main hall!”

 

The mention of a carousel immediately gets everyone going, Jisung mumbling something into his phone, a muted voice coming back from the other end. He’s smiling when he hangs up, tugs his beanie further down over his ears. “Let’s go.”

 

Haechan nearly jumps for joy, and when the bus passes by them they holler at it, calls for everyone to hurry up. They reach the stop as the bus almost pulls away, breathless yet content, stumbling inside one after the other.

 

The card machine beeps six times, and Renjun counts them, holds them away from the cold world outside.

  
  


***

  
  


The place is fully bustling with people by the time they get there, busy families doing early holiday shopping, university students crammed inside the coffee shops, couples walking arm in arm, perfect pictures of happiness.

 

In the center of the main hall, just as Haechan promised, there’s a large carousel, fairy lights strung high over it, illuminating the faces of children as they happily go round and round.

 

“Let’s go later,” Jeno says, surveying the crowd. “We’ll have it all to ourselves.”

 

The promise doesn’t fall on dead ears, Jaemin cheering as he rushes towards the escalator instead, Jisung and Haechan following suit. There’s no choice but to follow too, Renjun thinks, and soon enough they’re all upstairs, the noise from the arcade filling Renjun’s ears as soon as it comes into view.

 

“Not this again.” Haechan sighs as Jaemin cracks his neck, already headed towards the bright lights.

 

“I’ll definitely win something this time, just watch!” Jaemin yells as he walks through the sliding doors.

 

Haechan turns back to Renjun, lifting their shoulders. “Well, if you can’t stop him… Join him, right?” 

 

Sensing that Jeno is about to call after the two, Renjun grabs their arm, to stop another futile attempt at regulating whatever is going on right now. “ _ Folie a deux _ .”

 

Jeno looks like they’re about to retort about the wrong use of the phrase but Renjun smacks a hand over their mouth, holding back laughter when Jeno furrows their brows and angrily mumbles. 

 

In the corner of Renjun’s eye, Chenle and Jisung are fidgeting, murmuring to each other. 

 

“You’re abandoning us too?” Jeno falsely whines, eyes pleading with them. 

 

Chenle laughs, runs to Jeno’s side to hug them. “We’ll be back before you know it.” they say through a smile. “Don’t miss us too much!”

 

“How will we ever live!” Renjun yells after them when Chenle grabs Jisung’s hand to pull him away. 

 

Renjun watches Jeno as they watch their friends disappear into the crowd. There’s a fondness in their eyes that Renjun has noticed grows stronger every day, where it wasn’t before. Kun’s influence, and her friends’ too, Renjun supposes. Sometimes, Renjun wishes it would happen again, that one of Kun’s friends would walk into the center and make everything better for another one of them. 

 

It seems so much easier than facing the facts, trying to understand why there’s only a blur in the mirror, a feeling of nothingness where Renjun should be.

 

Everyday Renjun tries out a new identity, and every day it feels wrong, feels like wearing a mask that’s too small, getting tighter until it becomes suffocating. 

 

Jeno tugs at Renjun’s arm, comfort written all over their face and so Renjun goes with them, through the mall’s alleys, lets Jeno lead the way.

 

Passing by the clothing stores, so many mannequins dressed in impossibly tight fits, no jagged edges or wires sticking out, Renjun touches plastic hands and wonders if it’s possible to ever fit in like this.

 

“What’s up.” Jeno says, peeking out from behind a rack. “You’ve been kind of weird, the past few weeks. Kind of… Absent.”

 

Renjun huffs, defeated. “You’re becoming like Kun.” 

 

Jeno’s eyes grow softer still. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

 

It’s not, of course it’s not. Kun may be the best person any of them know, a place for each of them in the pockets of her heart. Renjun thinks any of them should be so lucky to grow up to be like her.

 

“Really though.” Jeno continues, undeterred. “You know you can talk to me, right?” 

 

They pick up a maroon jacket that’s two sizes too big, holds it against themself to look in the mirror. Renjun wonders what it’s like to finally know what you want. 

 

A pink knit sweater catches Renjun’s eye, big enough to hide behind, the fabric rough between Renjun’s fingers. “I don’t really… I don’t really know who I am anymore.”

 

The words feel heavy in Renjun’s mouth. Jeno puts the jacket back on its hanger, takes a few steps to meet their friend. It’s safe here, Renjun thinks, it’s safe when Jeno’s here, and the other two, when they’re together. Sometimes it feels like it’s the only time when maybe, they can all find peace.

 

“Sometimes I wonder if I was ever even meant to be born a human.” Renjun mumbles into the sweater. Jeno cocks their head to the side, urging Renjun to keep talking even if it’s to say nothing at all. “I mean, surely, up there,” Renjun points through the ceiling and towards the sky, and Jeno’s eyes follow. “There are no constraints like gender, and pronouns, and like,” the sweater disappears back on the rack, much to Jeno’s apparent dismay. “Clothes. No need to define yourself. No problems.” Renjun’s hands stop at the end of the rack. “No pain.”

 

“Renjun…” Jeno starts, and stops in their tracks when Renjun leaves to another section, necklaces and sunglasses and earrings gleaming under the neons. They simply follow, and Renjun can feel them here, a steady presence. 

 

“I just wonder what it feels like, you know? You, Jaem, Haechan, you… You know yourselves. You just do. And me, what do I do? What am I supposed to do, in college, if I just… Don’t?” 

 

“Renjun.” Jeno places a firm hand on Renjun’s shoulder. “You don’t have to.”

 

It seems so easy to say for them. 

 

“I know how hard it feels, trust me, but… You’ll figure it out, yeah? And if it’s more complex than you thought, if you can’t find the words, well. You’re still our Renjun.”

 

Renjun’s eyes squeeze shut. “But who  _ am I _ , exactly?”

 

To that, Jeno stays silent. Their hand stays where it is, a connecting thread. Renjun finds it, links their fingers together. 

 

“No one can tell you that.” Jeno finally admits. “But you’ll find it one day- you’ll find yourself, I promise.” They sound like they believe it’s true, and Renjun wants to believe it too.

 

It wasn’t that long ago, Renjun thinks, that Jeno themself didn’t know who they were. It came with time, patience and care. Maybe, just maybe, Renjun can allow those things too, to find the truth. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Jeno breathes, eyes fixed on the floor. 

 

Renjun brushes a strand of hair out of Jeno’s face, urges them to look up. “Just be here, yeah?”

 

Jeno crosses their heart with their index finger. “Always.”

 

“Now is enough.” Renjun smiles, pushing Jeno towards the exit. 

 

There’s always something more outside these walls, outside the confined spaces where everything is neatly divided up and boxed in. For now, that’s where Renjun wants to go.

  
  


*** 

  
  


Chenle always loves passing by the music shop. The shiny brass section, the guitars hanging from the wall, and the grand piano, too precious to be out in the hall like its smaller, exhibition counterpart, everything appeals to them, and once again they’re drawn in, Jisung following suit as Haechan and Jaemin explore the holiday menu at the coffee shop across the way. 

 

The atmosphere feels safe, somehow, warmer than the conservatory, more welcoming than the empty room where their own piano sits at home, keys yellowed by years of use. Chenle greets the clerk as they always do, and they let them go, even though they never buy anything here, because they’re used to the presence, a lithe figure moving around between the strings.

 

Walking towards the piano, Chenle lets their fingers drag against the polished wood exterior, so clean and new they can see their own reflection in it, and Jisung’s over their shoulder.

 

It feels safer, somehow, to know he’s here.

 

“You want to go play something in the hall later?” Jisung asks, fiddling with the mouthpiece of a nearby saxophone, fingers spasming when he almost unsheathes it. “People always love it when you play, Lele. It’s awesome.” 

 

Chenle takes the compliment, because they know Jisung never means it any other way. People do love it when they play, because that’s all they’ve ever done, the only comfort they find sometimes, drowning themself in music to forget the rest. Today they’d need to, and maybe they will, maybe they’ll play some modern song for a change. Chopin can take a backseat, just this once.

 

“Maybe.” is all Chenle says, nimble fingers ghosting over the keys. “Say, Jisung, I.. I have something I need to tell you about.”

 

Jisung lifts his head to look at them, and Chenle takes a deep breath. They haven’t told anyone, not yet, because they’ve still got so much time to worry about it that it feels too dramatic to bring it up now. 

 

But they can’t get Kun’s words out of their head, the way she’d smiled when she said they’d always have each other. They can’t shake the feeling that maybe, by a cruel stroke of fate, they might not.

 

“Yeah?” Jisung holds his breath. 

 

“If I had to… To leave. To go somewhere else, really far away, how would you feel?” Chenle says it all in one go, afraid their heart is going to stop their mouth.

 

Jisung tilts his head to the side, takes a step towards them. He doesn’t touch them but instead finds the piano keys, plays a chord Chenle had taught him, way back when they first met. “Sad? Probably?” Jisung says, switching to another chord. The clerk looks over at the two of them from behind the counter and smiles, then goes back to their own affairs. “But I’d be happy if I know you’re pursuing your dreams.”

 

Something settles in Chenle’s heart like a new seed in fresh earth.

 

“That’s what you’re talking about, right?” Jisung smiles. 

 

Chenle closes their eyes, listens to Jisung’s music for a moment. He doesn’t know much but it’s still the most beautiful sound Chenle has heard. “Yeah.” they say. They can hear the blood rushing to their head. “After high school, I might- I want to audition for an orchestra. In Europe, or maybe America… I mean, it’s a far-off dream, who knows if I’m even good enough to envision it, but…”

 

“Of course you are.” Jisung intervenes, gently, hands leaving the keyboard and finding Chenle’s. “You’re the best, Lele.”

 

If it were anyone else saying it, Chenle would hear an empty compliment. In Jisung’s mind, in his voice, they know it’s the truth and that he means it.

 

“It’s just so far away.” they mumble, the idea of leaving everything behind already making fear grow in the pit of their stomach. 

 

“But it’s also in a long time. A year and a half, almost.” Jisung says, voice clear and bright. When Chenle looks at him, he’s got a smile on his face, and they can’t help but return it.

 

He’s right. He’s right and Chenle knows it, feels like they’ve known it all along and just needed to hear it. There’s still miles to go, so many things to live through, to worry about a change of horizon that won’t come until morning.

 

They can’t live in this moment forever, but they can at least enjoy it while it lasts, a warm hand in theirs and a smile like a promise.

 

“Even when you’re far away,” Jisung says, and Chenle feels warmth spreading in their chest. “We’ll always have a home together.” 

 

They’ve heard people warn against getting too attached to your teenage years, that only a few friends truly remain for life. If fortune favors the bold, Chenle would dare to think they’ve found those friends already.

 

They let Jisung lead them out of the store, the cashier waving at them as they leave, calling for them to return. Chenle knows they will, eventually.

  
  


*** 

  
  


“Ooh,” Jaemin coos, legs swinging from the bench he’s sitting on. “I think this is 100% liquefied sugar.” 

 

The drink he’s holding is absurdly pink, a color Jaemin thinks he’s only ever seen in cartoons and children’s toy magazines, but Haechan had insisted on getting them, a special pop up shop that serves up a variety of products that looked more like witch brews and Play-Doh constructions than anything actually edible. 

 

Still he’s sitting there, his cup full of something that was advertised as strawberry but might as well just be melted cotton candy, and he’s watching Haechan bite into a cupcake covered in purple edible glitter, holding an oddly shaped plushie to their chest. All in all, despite knowing the sugar is probably going to keep him up all night, Jaemin can’t help but take another sip, letting his eyes wander over the crowd.

 

Watching all the people milling about down below and up above, on the many floors surrounding him, Jaemin wonders if any of them have their lives together, if all of them do and he’s the only one left wondering where to go.

 

Summer had come and brought with it some words of wisdom and newfound confidence, but now that summer was gone all Jaemin feels left with is the impending dread of university, of leaving everything he knows behind and starting over, having to go through the same motions and facing the same walls. He feels like he’s being thrown back to zero, when everything used to hurt and there was nowhere to go.

 

He thinks back to Kun saying her friends will graduate, wonders if Taeyong is one of them. Maybe he can meet them again, someday, before they go. Remembering the day they met, that time in the restroom when Taeyong had held him, and let him cry, and let him be everything he thought he could never be, Jaemin feels something tighten in his chest. 

 

As hard as he tries, he still hasn’t figured out how to be that person for himself.

 

“Hey.” Haechan nudges him, specks of glitter stuck to their cheek. Jaemin barely hears them over the crowd noise in his head. “You ok?”

 

He’s not sure. In this moment, Jaemin feels like he has no reason to say no, between the sugar sticking to his lips and his friend at his side, but he’s not sure, not now, doesn’t know if he ever will be.

 

“What happens, when we grow up?” he says, staring straight ahead. “When we have to go out and face the world?” 

 

Haechan stirs their neon lime drink with the straw, follows the line of Jaemin’s gaze to see what he sees. “Isn’t that what we’re already doing?” 

 

The truth of it hits Jaemin harder than he anticipated. Here, where his feet can’t touch the ground, he still feels the concrete under them from that summer, how they’d all beaten the pavement searching for a better world. He was there, he remembers that, remembers how they’d all held hands and pushed through, found a home together.

 

He’d felt free, that day, out in the open, under his flag. 

 

Ever since then, he’s been chasing the feeling again.

 

“When we go to university, and we have to face all these new people I- I don’t know if I can do it. Not alone, I don’t know what I’ll do.” he feels a knot in his throat as he speaks, wants to retreat inside his sweater and stay there.

 

“Who says you’re going alone?”

 

Jeno’s voice echoes out from behind him and Jaemin turns around to find them and Renjun, all smiles. “We’re not letting you.” Renjun says, pushing a little to sit between Jaemin and Haechan. It’s a tight fit and Jaemin thinks it’s a good thing Renjun hasn’t had a growth spurt yet, or maybe ever (though he doesn’t let Renjun hear that), because otherwise one of them would have definitely ended up on the floor.

 

“Isn’t that what we always say?” Haechan picks up when Renjun left off, completely ignoring Renjun’s attempts to steal their drink. “Wherever you’re going, don’t go there alone?”

 

Jeno sits with their back to the three of them, only turning their head to rest their chin on Haechan’s shoulder. “And it’s ok to not know where you’re going, either.”

 

The words echo in Jaemin’s mind as he remembers when Taeyong had said them, soft and true. Here, just like back then, he has no reason not to believe them. 

 

“We’ll lift you up.” Renjun affirms, eyes glinting with something new.

 

It takes a deep breath and swallowing back his grief for Jaemin to speak up again. “So we’re going together?”

 

He never expected them to always walk on the same path. Even as they continue to grow up together, Jaemin can see his friends change and find their own ways, their own destinations, and he tries, so much, to reason with the fact that they might be different from his own.

 

“I know where the road goes, for once.” Jeno says, smiling in earnest. They poke Haechan’s ribs to get their attention. “You?”

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

  
  


***

  
  


They find the others downstairs, near the carousel, after a slew of frantic texts between Chenle and Renjun and a panicked phone call from Jeno, saying they couldn’t find them in the crowd.

 

Jisung watches Jaemin practically slide down the escalator, Haechan in tow, the two of them tumbling forward and barely avoiding the ground. 

 

“Do I want to know?” he says when they’re all gathered. Jaemin hurries to the booth, claims tickets are on him, and Jeno shakes their heard with the fondest smile Jisung has ever seen.

 

“Just a little sugar high.” Renjun huffs, “hopefully they’ll be ok on the ride.”

 

Jeno snorts, catching Jaemin when he comes sauntering back. “We should get on before you two actually blast off into space, or something.”

 

They’re met with a fit of giggles and Haechan dragging them over to the white horse, claiming to whoever wants to hear it that only a noble steed is fit for Jeno. There’s a bird that Jaemin hops on, Renjun and Chenle opting for a pair of twin unicorns. It takes their combined efforts to hoist Haechan up on the cream color pony next to them but they manage, Haechan clinging to the pony’s neck for dear life.

 

From the floor, Jisung watches, unable to detach his eyes from the ocean of colors, from the smiles on his friends’ faces. Jaemin waves to call him forward as the carousel gives a false start and Renjun yelps, Chenle bursting out laughing at the sound, Jeno hiding their own smile against the plastic mane of their horse.

 

It has to be such a scene to an outsider, surely, a haphazardly thrown together family, so unlike the ones that usually walk this floor. Jisung knows if he looks around he won’t find any two people that are the same, but he also knows that his friends will be the most beautiful of all, unfinished and rough around the edges still, but already shining brighter than what anyone could imagine. 

 

He finds his phone in his pocket, wants to capture a memory of the moment. Before he can get it out, Jeno calls for him and Jisung drops everything, thinks he’ll remember this anyway. It’ll stay in his mind like a painting hung on the walls of the home they made together.

 

One day, not so far from now, but still a way away, they’ll take their own steps, one by one, to a future only they hold the key to. That day will come, inevitably, Jisung knows it. He’ll be ready, he hopes, to face it when it does.

 

For now, he’s happy to go round and round.

**Author's Note:**

> that's a wrap for this one!
> 
> thank you to kay for encouraging me to write a fully dreamies-centric fic in this au ! 
> 
> the main gang will be back shortly, hehe
> 
> oh, ive changed my twit handle since sunverse, so now you can find me [here](http://twitter.com/seoyoungoth)! love y'all <3


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